What gets lost in loss?

Before loss, I was coming towards a pretty secure understanding of my identity. As a person, woman, daughter, partner, sister, friend, colleague. Grief has changed, warped, deconstructed and rebuilt my sense of identity and self. Your identity changes when you’ve had a serious bereavement. Loss caused me to have a wide range of complex emotionsContinue reading “What gets lost in loss?”

Dear Mum

Mum, I miss you more than I thought I would be able to feel anything. Every day something reminds me of you and I wish more than anything that I could hold your hand and hear your voice again. I am so sorry that whilst you were ill, I felt so angry all the time.Continue reading “Dear Mum”

Losing my Grandpa

Deda was Nan’s husband. He wasn’t related to us by blood. My maternal grandfather passed away in 1966. Nan met Deda in the late 70s and they soon married. He was in my Mum and Uncle’s life from their teenage years up until his death, and treated them as though they were his own children.Continue reading “Losing my Grandpa”

Exercise

The year that Mum died, I decided I was going to run Cancer Research UK’s Race for Life (5K) in her honour. She died in March and the Race for Life was booked in for 10th June. By the time I’d set my heart on doing the race, I had ten weeks to train myselfContinue reading “Exercise”

Missed Opportunities

Lockdown restrictions for Covid-19 have cancelled all public events and holiday travel. I have found it difficult to be positive about the changes in our trajectory. Let’s start at the beginning; I’m a bridesmaid for my friend who was due to be getting married earlier this year. Firstly, her hen do was cancelled. We wereContinue reading “Missed Opportunities”

After Life : Season 1 Review

After Life is a black humour sitcom series streaming on Netflix. It was created, written, produced and directed by Ricky Gervais. He also plays the lead character, Tony. It follows Tony’s life and journey with grief after the premature death of his wife, Lisa. Series one premiered on 8th March 2019. There are regular mentionsContinue reading “After Life : Season 1 Review”

Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 4

Lesson number four –Non-bereaved people vs. grief. Unless people have been through the same situation, they won’t understand how grief feels. They just don’t get it. Grief is complex and confusing, it’s not easy and there’s a lot of obstacles to overcome, which means that people who haven’t been through it don’t see beyond theContinue reading “Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 4”

Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 3

Lesson number three – It’s not like the movies. By that, I mean that the way that death and dying is depicted in the media, TV and films is far from reality (from what I’ve seen, anyway). A bit of background on my Mum’s diagnosis – she had breast cancer, six rounds of chemo andContinue reading “Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 3”

Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 2

Lesson number two – it is shocking how rapidly the body can change and deteriorate. At the start of treatment, everything was positive for Mum. The treatment plan made sense, the likely success rate was high, and Mum’s fatigue had started to dissipate. She’d had her diagnosis and treatment plan, so she wasn’t constantly worriedContinue reading “Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 2”

Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 1

Part 1 of a little series of posts about what I’ve learnt throughout my journey with Mum’s cancer, her death, and my grief. Lesson number one – Cancer is confusing and unfair. Mum’s diagnosis wasn’t straightforward. She was diagnosed in December 2016. February 2015, she’d had a routine mammogram which picked up a grey mass/areaContinue reading “Five Things I’ve Learnt so far – Part 1”